Should Bigfoot Be California’s State Cryptid: The Most Important (and Hilarious) Political Debate Yet! (Who Will Testify?)
Because Solving Real Problems Is Hard, and Priorities Are Overrated
In a bold move to address California’s most pressing legislative issue (checks notes), Assemblyman Chris Rogers (D-Santa Rosa) has introduced “Assembly Bill 666” to officially designate Bigfoot as the state’s official cryptid. That’s right, while other states argue over budgets and infrastructure, California cares less about that stuff (or the housing crisis, the homeless, the economy, or even a burned out Los Angeles), and instead, have chosen to make sure a beloved, camera-shy, furry, possibly imaginary, friend finally gets the government recognition he (or she? or they?) deserve. Come to think of it, we’ve never asked Bigfoot for its preferred pronouns, so I may have just offended a large population of ape-humans.
For those unfamiliar, a “cryptid” is a creature that many believe exists but science has yet to confirm – think the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, that guy who still insists MySpace is making a comeback, or California politicians who make wise choices. Bigfoot, in particular, has been a staple of Northern California folklore longer than citizens have been using the phrase “Surf’s up, Dude!” – and is a tall, er, huh, sizable tourist attraction. Apparently, blurry photos and oversized footprints put some cash into the local economy. I’m guessing gorilla costumes don’t do too badly either.
Rogers introduced AB 666 (yes, 666, because of course the bill honoring a 9-ft monster has to carry a number straight out of the bowels of hell) as a “place-holder bill”— which is a legislative term that usually means, “We’re totally going to change this into something more serious later.” As opposed to regular California legislation that changes things after being passed into less serious things. But until the bill gets fleshed out with something tangible and less furry, lawmakers are having a little fun.
According to Rogers, “The joke would be that when we amended the bill, the Bigfoot bill would disappear… It would be elusive. It would go away like Bigfoot in our area is known to do.” Or like common sense already has. (Yeah, I added that last part, but it’s hard to disagree with.)
So basically, the bill is designed to “ghost” Californians, much like Sasquatch himself does to Bigfoot hunters on cable TV shows.
Willow Creek, California – often referred to as the “Bigfoot Capital of the World” – mostly only by people in Willow Creek – has been a hotbed of sightings and roadside attractions dedicated to the legend. Or, at least roadside attractions. And while some bills tackle minor issues like, you know, gas prices and healthcare, this one is laser-focused on what really matters: making sure Bigfoot gets the same level of respect as California’s state flower, the Golden Poppy, and the state tree, the Redwood, and the state mascot, George Clooney.
Surprisingly, despite the tongue-in-cheek intention of it, AB 666 has gained some national attention. For example, I’m wasting your time telling you about it, and I couldn’t care less about California. Some people are actually interested in testifying in Congress in favor of the measure. And let’s be honest – this is the kind of government hearing we would all tune in to see. C-SPAN might actually get a viewer or two if they broadcast it. Picture it: passionate cryptozoologists, self-proclaimed Bigfoot hunters, and that one guy in every town who swears he saw Bigfoot at the gas station once, all pleading their case in front of bewildered lawmakers. We can have all of the so-called “celebrities” from shows on the History Channel and the Discovery Channel testify that they are absolutely, positively, one-hundred percent, without-a-doubt certain that Bigfoot exists… despite several seasons of their TV shows never finding solid evidence for the guy. “That’s the proof right there!” they might say under oath. “The lack of evidence IS THE EVIDENCE!”
As of now, AB 666 doesn’t include any funding, new regulations, or, sadly, a government-mandated Bigfoot awareness campaign — think Smokey the Bear, but smellier, and harder to track down. The bill was read for the first time on February 14th (because nothing says Valentine’s Day like legislation about a smelly, mysterious loner), and it’s scheduled for its first committee hearing on March 17th – which seems appropriate, as St. Patrick’s Day is well-known for touting an imaginary cryptid as well, in the form of a tiny redheaded guy wearing a green suit and declaring his love for Lucky Charms. If AB 666 moves forward, it will require a majority vote to pass.
So, will California lawmakers make history by officially recognizing Bigfoot? Or will the bill vanish into the woods, never to be seen again, like Sasquatch himself? Either way, this is already the most entertaining thing to come out of state politics in a long time.
So, stay tuned – and if you see Bigfoot, tell him his government paperwork is already in progress.
(Source: Reno Gazette Journal)
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