THE GREAT OSAKA UNDERWEAR CAPER: The Case of the Color-Coordinated Camisoles Criminal
Police in Japan arrest a man whose 450-piece stolen underwear collection was so meticulously organized by color that it puts most people’s sock drawers to shame.
Today we’re going to talk about crime, specifically the kind of crime that makes you wonder if there’s something seriously wrong with our educational system. I’m referring, of course, to the recent arrest in Osaka, Japan, of 44-year-old Mitsuru Toyonaga (we’ll just call him by his initials – MT, which also describes his brain. MT has apparently been conducting what can only be described as the world’s most methodical underwear heist operation.
Now, before we go any further, I want to make it clear that I do not condone underwear theft. This is wrong. This is criminal. This is also, I have to admit, impressively organized.
According to police reports, MT was caught red-handed (or perhaps we should say “red-pantied”) attempting to steal four pieces of women’s underwear from a dryer at a laundromat. But here’s where it gets interesting (as if that’s not already interesting): When police searched his home, they discovered approximately 450 items of women’s underwear, stored — and I cannot stress this enough — BY COLOR in a chest of drawers.
BY COLOR, people.
This man had a filing system. He probably had a spreadsheet. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had laminated inventory bags. “Let’s see, where did I put that lovely lavender lace number? Ah yes, Drawer Three, Section B, between the lilac and the mauve.”
MT confessed to having committed these thefts about 100 times since September of last year. Let’s do the math here (and by “let’s,” I mean “I’ll get my calculator because math makes my brain hurt”). That works out to roughly one underwear-swiping expedition every 2.4 days for eight months. This man was more consistent than most people are with their exercise routines.
The really remarkable thing is that he got away with it for so long. I mean, you’d think somebody would notice a middle-aged man lurking around laundromats with the focused intensity of a sommelier selecting a fine wine. “Hmm, this one has good elasticity, nice stitching… but does it go with my autumn collection?”
What finally brought him down was the keen observational skills of a passerby who became “suspicious” of his behavior. Now, I don’t know exactly what this behavior looked like, but I’m guessing it involved the kind of furtive glancing and nervous shuffling that screams “I am definitely up to something involving other people’s undergarments.”
The passerby detained him right there on the spot, which raises the question: How exactly do you make a citizen’s arrest for underwear theft? Do you shout “Stop! Panty thief!” Do you tackle him? Do you politely ask him to please step away from the delicates?
But let’s get back to that organizational system though, because I find this absolutely fascinating. This man took 450 pieces of stolen underwear and organized them by color. Not by size. Not by style. Not by level of fanciness. By COLOR. This suggests a level of attention to detail that most Fortune 500 companies would kill for.
I’m imagining him at home, carefully sorting his ill-gotten gains: “Today’s haul: two pink, one beige, one black with little flowers. The pink ones go in the top drawer, the beige goes in drawer number four, and the floral black… hmm, that’s a tough call. Is it black with accents, or is it a floral pattern that happens to have a black background? You know, these are the kinds of decisions that separate the professionals from the amateurs.”
The truly scary part is that this guy is self-employed, that means he was probably really good at whatever his day job was. I’m picturing potential clients calling him up:
“Uh, MT, we need someone to organize our warehouse inventory.”
“Well, sir, organization is definitely my specialty. I have extensive experience in color-coded filing systems. Very extensive.”
This whole incident raises important questions about laundromat security. Clearly, we need better surveillance. Maybe motion sensors. Maybe guard dogs trained specifically to detect underwear-related criminal activity. “What is it, boy? Huh? Did someone touch the delicates cycle? Huh? Good boy!”
In conclusion, while MT’s crime spree was wrong and illegal, you have to admire his dedication to proper organization. In a world where most people can’t even sort their socks, here was a man with a vision, a plan, and a color-coordinated filing system.
Though I’m pretty sure this wasn’t what they meant by “pursuing your passion.”
SOURCE: Japan Today
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