DOCTOR STRANGE AND THE MULTIVERSE OF “Wait, Who’s That Again?”

Marvel used to save the world — now they can’t even save their own scripts.

Once upon a time, in a world where movie theaters still existed and popcorn didn’t cost more than a small sedan, there was a magical kingdom called Marvel Studios. This was a place where every film had three things: a sky beam, a shirtless Chris, and approximately 73 end-credit scenes that hinted at something even more confusing than the movie you just watched.

People loved these movies. They wore capes to theaters. They debated the finer points of vibranium on Reddit. They cried when Iron Man died and again when they realized they’d have to explain it to their 6-year-old using puppets and three whiteboards.

But then… something happened.

Suddenly, Marvel movies started to suck. Not all at once, like a catastrophic meteor. More like a slow leak in a bounce house: at first it’s fun, but then you realize you’re lying on the floor in a deflated heap next to a CGI raccoon.

You see, back in the golden days (also known as “pre-Endgame” or “Before the Great Multiverse Confusion”), Marvel gave us maybe two movies a year. It was manageable. It was exciting. It was like getting surprise pizza — not too often, but always welcome.

Now? Marvel releases 14 movies, 9 streaming series, 4 Halloween specials, and a cooking show with the Scarlet Witch every year. There is literally more Marvel content than there are stars in the sky. Somewhere out there, Ant-Man is doing your taxes, and you don’t even know it.

Personally, I am so stoked for Marvel, Phase 16 when they introduce The League of Overused Tropes!

Even die-hard fans started to feel exhausted. They tried keeping up with all the shows and movies, but somewhere around “Episode 6 of She-Hulk: Attorney at Law: The Kang-Related Lawsuit,” they blacked out and woke up three weeks later covered in Funko Pops and regret.

Another problem? The plots started making no damn sense.

Back in the day, you had good guys, bad guys, and a giant glowing thing to punch. Simple. Elegant. You didn’t need a PhD in Multiverse Theory to understand why Thor was smashing stuff with a hammer.

Now? Every Marvel movie includes:

A flashback from 400 years ago
A crossover with a character from a show nobody watched
A villain whose plan requires reading a 9-page Reddit post to understand
And at least three multiverses, none of which follow the same rules

There’s also a lot of whispering about “Phase 5”, which I assume is either a movie strategy or something you hear in a doomsday cult.

And don’t get me started on the new crop of heroes. There are so many, I think I’m one of them. I stubbed my toe the other day and Marvel called asking if I’d like to star in ToeMan: The Ingrown Chronicles.

Pumpkin Chunk (me) is the hero we never knew we needed but absolutely deserved. Defender of justice, smasher of robotic marsupials, and keeper of the fall-themed frivolity! My motto: “One gourd turn deserves another!” (Seen here battling the dastardly Iron Opossum, who wants to take over the world and force all people to use an ‘O’ in front of the word ‘Possum’. An evil fiend.

These characters show up, fight something confusing, and then vanish like a Tinder match who found out you still live with your mom. Nobody gets developed, nobody sticks around, and half of them are replaced by younger versions of themselves from another dimension. It’s like watching a Shakespeare play directed by a golden retriever.

So what happened?

Marvel forgot that people like stories. Not just explosions. Not just quips. Not just a guy named Doctor Something doing magic while a portal opens behind him to reveal a character from Guardians of the Galaxy: Lawn Care Division.

People wanted heart. Simplicity. Some kind of emotional payoff that didn’t involve a surprise cameo from someone you vaguely remember from Iron Man 2.

But the good news is this: Marvel might figure it out. Maybe they’ll go back to basics. Maybe they’ll give us heroes we care about again.

Or maybe we’ll get Thor 12: The Hammering starring a CGI goat voiced by Vin Diesel.