BREAKING NEWS: Loch Ness Discovered To Contain Fish, Monster Hunters Declare Victory!
Hundreds of grown adults spend four days staring at a lake, and call it “research”
So apparently, the good folks at the Loch Ness Centre have concluded their latest attempt to find a prehistoric monster in a Scottish lake, and I gotta say, their results are about as definitive as asking a Magic 8-Ball whether you should invest in cryptocurrency.
The Quest—and yes, they actually called it “The Quest.” They originally wanted to name it “Let’s All Stand Around Looking at Water for Four Days” but that was a bit too on the nose, and didn’t focus-group well.
Anyway, this “quest” took place May 22-25. So sorry I missed it. Hundreds of “budding monster hunters” (a profession you’d find listed right next to “Bigfoot chiropractor” in the want ads) descended upon this 23-mile-long loch to search for “unusual activity.”
Now, I don’t know what constitutes “unusual activity” at Loch Ness, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t include the time my Uncle Karl tried to water-ski behind a rowboat powered by a weed-whacker engine. Though honestly, that would explain a lot about the Nessie sightings.
For the first time ever, the searchers deployed Remotely Operated Vehicles (ROVs), which are basically very expensive underwater robots that can go places humans can’t, like the bottom of Loch Ness or a teenager’s bedroom. These ROVs were accompanied by “baited camera traps fitted with GoPro cameras and lights,” – proving this is an ultra-scientific endeavor, because they used the same equipment teenagers use to film themselves doing skateboard tricks off their garage roof.
And what exactly do you use for Loch Ness Monster bait? A waterproof copy of Weekly World News with a female Nessie on the cover? That’s some information this news story did not report, and I’m a bit miffed about it.
And what did this high-tech monster hunt discover? Well… ready? They found… fish. Specifically, pike and salmon. Which, according to the expert hunters, “could be evidence of food to sustain a giant monster.”
Let me get this straight: They found FISH in a LAKE, and this is considered a breakthrough in monster research? By this logic, finding hamburgers at McDonald’s would be evidence that Ronald McDonald is real and has an appetite for beef products or small children.
The expedition also made what they’re calling a “remarkable discovery”—they found some old cables from Dr. Robert Rines’ 1970s monster-hunting equipment. This is like finding your dad’s old eight-track player in the attic and declaring it an archaeological treasure. Although, to be fair, if you’ve ever tried to explain eight-track technology to someone under the age of thirty, it might as well be from another civilization.
They also found the ruins of the old Temple Pier, where British racer John Cobb once attempted to break the world water speed record in what the article calls “a tragic endeavor that ultimately cost him his life.” A polite way of saying that high-speed boating on Loch Ness has historically had about the same success rate as locating the Loch Ness Monster in that same lake.
But the real highlight of last weekend was the activities. There were Highland dancing demonstrations – possibly under the assumption that Nessie would appear, to take part in cutting a rug. There was also a “thrilling live debate” about whether Nessie is real or myth, which I imagine went something like this:
Person A: “I think Nessie is real!”
Person B: “I think Nessie is fake!”
Audience: applauds politely while secretly wondering if the gift shop sells bagpipes full of haggis.
They even had something called “Stories of the Loch,” featuring someone from The Scottish Folklore podcast. I haven’t listened to it, but I assume this involved a lot of sentences beginning with “Well, back in 1847, my great-great-grandmother’s cousin’s neighbor once saw something that might have been…”
For those who couldn’t attend in person, the organizers thoughtfully set up cameras around the loch so people worldwide could participate in the excitement of staring at water through their computer screens. This is basically the same thing as watching paint dry – only without the high-octane excitement and visuals.
The General Manager of The Loch Ness Centre (Nagina Ishaq) concluded by saying that “the excitement and buzz around this weekend has proven that the Loch Ness mystery is very much alive.” Technically true—the mystery is definitely alive, unlike, probably, any actual monsters in the lake.
But hey, at least they found some fish. And in the world of cryptozoology, discovering that a lake contains fish is apparently what passes for progress. Next year, I fully expect them to announce the groundbreaking discovery that Loch Ness also contains water.
I don’t know about you, but I’ll be watching via the webcam with bated breath.
Views: 31