WHEN NATURE CALLS: And So Do The Dead #MindOfMarlar

Haunted Bathrooms: Because Regular Public Restrooms Weren’t Traumatizing Enough

Think your bathroom breaks are private? Think again — from ghostly nuns watching you pee to toilets that flush themselves mid-haunt, these haunted restrooms prove that even the afterlife has no boundaries.

Listen to “WHEN NATURE CALLS: And So Do The Dead #MindOfMarlar” on Spreaker.

You know what’s missing from your average bathroom experience? GHOSTS. That’s right, folks. Apparently, for some spirits, the afterlife consists primarily of hanging around toilets. I’m not a theologian, but I’m pretty sure this wasn’t covered in Sunday school.

THE YORK ARMS PUB: WHERE NUNS WATCH YOU PEE

At the York Arms Pub in England, there’s a transparent nun haunting the men’s room. Nothing can get you to say, “no thanks, I’ll hold it” more than having a holy woman watch over you at the urinal. Historians believe she was walled up alive for getting pregnant, which—let’s be honest—seems like an extreme response to what was probably a lovely evening with the gardener.

Now she spends eternity watching men with their pants around their ankles. If you’re wondering what eternal damnation looks like, it’s being forever trapped in a British men’s room. The smell alone would make anyone want to cross over to the light.

THE OLDE PINK HOUSE: WHERE GHOSTS HAVE BOUNDARY ISSUES

In Savannah, Georgia, at a place called The Olde Pink House (because “The Olde Regular Colored House” was already taken), a ghost holds the women’s bathroom door shut. Ladies, remember that time you desperately needed to go and the door mysteriously wouldn’t budge? That wasn’t your imagination—that was a centuries-old child who never learned to share his toys or his toilets.

The ghost of James Habersham Jr. also straightens tablecloths and drinks at the bar. Even in death, some men will invent any excuse to avoid going home to their families. “Sorry, honey, I have to haunt this bar for ALL ETERNITY.”

BOW BELLS PUB: THE GHOST WITH FLUSH ISSUES

London’s Bow Bells Pub features a ghost that flushes toilets while they’re in use. It’s the supernatural equivalent of your three-year-old’s fascination with the flush handle. In 1974, they attempted an exorcism, but the bathroom door flew open mid-ceremony. Even in the spiritual realm, bathroom emergencies take precedence over formal proceedings.

This spectral janitor also taps people on the shoulder in empty stalls. I’ve had nightmares less terrifying than being touched by an invisible entity while in a vulnerable position with my pants at half-mast.

LEMP MANSION: WHERE PEEPING TOM BECAME PEEPING TOMB

The Lemp Mansion in St. Louis features William Lemp Jr., who couldn’t stop being a creep even after death. He continues to peek over bathroom stalls at women, proving that some personality flaws are truly eternal. Workers call the basement the “Gates of Hell,” which frankly sounds like an upgrade from “Public Restroom in Downtown St. Louis.”

Dear William: The afterlife called. It wants you to know that consent applies to ghosts too. Try haunting somewhere appropriate, like a therapist’s office.

FRODSHAM STREET: MEET “BLEEDING TOM”

Chester, England, has a ghost in their public toilets nicknamed “Bleeding Tom.” He appears pale, drenched in blood, clutching a razor, with “eerily alive eyes.” So he’s basically indistinguishable from the average patron exiting a British pub at closing time.

When they renovated the bathrooms in 2011, Tom’s appearances increased dramatically. Apparently, even the dead have opinions about proper bathroom tile selection. “You chose BEIGE? I’ll haunt you for THAT atrocity!”

SHREVEPORT MUNICIPAL AUDITORIUM: WORST BIRTH PLAN EVER

This Louisiana auditorium once hosted Elvis, but its real headliner is the ghost of a woman eternally giving birth in the bathroom. Her labor screams echo through the ladies’ room, making it the world’s most effective advertisement for birth control.

There’s also a little girl in a blue dress running the halls. Between the childbirth screams and the phantom child, this place has all the ambiance of a haunted daycare center with inadequate healthcare coverage.

FIVE FISHERMEN RESTAURANT: THE AFTERLIFE’S FAMILY COURT

This former funeral home in Canada has a third-floor bathroom where a woman and child are kept apart by another ghost. It’s like watching supernatural family court play out for all eternity, without even the satisfaction of Judge Judy telling someone they’re being ridiculous.

Ghost hunters reportedly get sick in this bathroom. Though to be fair, that could be attributed to the seafood special or the realization that they’ve devoted their lives to chasing toilet ghosts with EMF meters.

COMFORT STATION ONE: LEAST COMFORTABLE STATION EVER

Florida’s creepiest bathroom tower (trust me, the competition is fierce) features Agnes, a ghost who holds full conversations with the living. One woman reported seeing old-fashioned shoes under a stall, only to find nobody there upon checking. In a Florida public bathroom, mysterious shoes with no owner might actually be the least disturbing thing you’ll encounter all day. But then you gotta ask – who talks to complete strangers in the next stall? If that’s you, you deserve to be haunted.

The place also boasts a floating head that appears in toilets. Which, given Florida’s reputation for bizarre news stories, barely cracks the top ten weirdest things seen in a Sunshine State bathroom this week.

READ HOUSE HOTEL: MURDERS AND DISCOUNTS

Room 311 features a bathtub where Annalisa Netherly was murdered in 1927. The hotel now offers Halloween stays for $666. I’m no marketing expert, but turning a woman’s brutal murder into a quirky themed hotel experience seems slightly tasteless, even by American tourism standards.

The room still has iron bars from when Al Capone stayed there. Because nothing completes a relaxing getaway like accommodations that scream “maximum security prison, but make it vintage.”

EMILY MORGAN HOTEL: BLUE WATER SPECIAL

This San Antonio hotel was once a medical building, which explains both the hospital smell and the inexplicable urge to fill out insurance forms in triplicate before using the facilities. On the 12th floor, bathtubs mysteriously fill with bright blue water. Either it’s haunted or the plumbing is connected directly to a Smurf village.

Between ghostly medical staff and mysteriously colored water, guests get the authentic experience of both supernatural phenomena and questionable American healthcare practices.

THE KNICKERBOCKER: MARILYN’S FOREVER POWDER ROOM

The Knickerbocker Hotel in Los Angeles features Marilyn Monroe appearing in bathroom mirrors. When you turn around, she’s gone—much like my desire to ever use hotel bathrooms again after researching this article.

Harry Houdini’s wife held séances here every Halloween trying to contact him. Somewhere, Houdini’s ghost is still performing his greatest escape trick: avoiding his wife’s calls from beyond the grave.

WHITE LION PUB: CAUGHT ON CAMERA

This English pub captured a hooded figure on security camera in 2015. The former owner, James Rogers, still hangs around knocking glasses over. Even in death, some men refuse to stop creating extra work for underpaid service staff. Afterlife goals: haunt your own business and still micromanage employees from beyond the veil.

THE DEADLY SCHOOL BATHROOM IN BANGLADESH

In 2015, after a student died following a bathroom visit, ten more children got sick near the same bathroom. Local belief blamed an evil spirit, and the solution involved a ritual with blood. Because when faced with potential public health issues, bypassing modern medicine in favor of splattering more bodily fluids around seems totally rational.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Remember, folks, when using haunted bathrooms: always knock before entering (it’s only polite to alert both the living AND the dead), carry Febreze (effective against conventional and paranormal odors), and if you encounter a ghostly nun while at the urinal—well, you probably should have used the bathroom before leaving home, shouldn’t you?

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