“Out Of This World Crime”
#MindOfMarlar is written by Darren Marlar, host of Weird Darkness
“Space… the final frontier… these are the voyages of the starship, ConAir, boldly taking space crooks where no one has gone before…”
I know that’s not exactly how the quote goes – but we might need to change it to that soon. The final frontier may soon become the new Wild West. As humanity hurtles into the cosmos, packing our spacesuits, Tang, and freeze-dried ice cream, we might also be smuggling a few bad apples in our interstellar luggage. Yes, the cosmic crime wave will soon be upon us! What do you when someone breaks the law… in space? Does space even have laws? It doesn’t even have the law of gravity.
Well, wherever there is new innovation, there’s somebody waiting to exploit it, including evil-doers. We’ve seen it with nuclear energy, artificial intelligence, the internet, Tide Pods… and soon… space travel. We’ve barely figured out space toilets, yet we’re already brainstorming how to handle a murder on Mars. And you don’t want to get put in Mars Prison – getting 25 years there is more like getting 47 Earth years. So you probably DON’T want to murder anybody while on Mars. Just sayin.
And if someone crosses over the atmosphere to your spaceship or moon base without permission, does that make them an illegal alien? Speaking of Alien – in space, no one can hear you scream, so how would anybody know if you’re being murdered on Mars by that illegal alien – or just an alien? And what constitutes “illegal” when you’re no longer on Earth? Do we just make up our own willy nilly laws? “From this day forward, anyone who passes gas while inside the air lock will be sentenced to solitary confinement in the Kepler crater for 30 days!” That’s moon days – so you’ll be trying to keep your sanity intact for about 885 Earth days – or a little over two and a half years. So you probably DON’T want to overdo the Taco Bell before takeoff to the moon. Just sayin’.
But who is gonna investigate all these cosmic crimes? Do we get Veronica Mars transferred to Mars to investigate misdeeds on Mars? Not to worry, because space sleuths are a thing now! Outer Space Officers! Cosmic Constables!
Take Zack Kowalske from Roswell (no, not that Roswell, but the irony isn’t lost on me), this is Roswell, Georgia. Kowalske is actually a detective.. And honestly, with a name like Kowalske, it’s kinda mandatory to get into law enforcement, isn’t it? He is not waiting around for the first lunar homicide to catch him off guard. Blood spatter analysis? That is soooo earthbound. Try doing that when the blood floats away in pretty little globules. Kowalske and his band of gravity-defying researchers have taken to simulating crime scenes in zero-G using parabolic flights and syringes full of fake blood. Talk about a job with ups and downs!
Their findings? Blood in zero gravity splatters in tiny patterns that would make Dexter’s head spin – but probably impress Jackson Pollock. The same goes for throwing up… they don’t call it the Vomit Comet for nothing. But hey, if we come across a crime of Assault By Regurgitation on the space station, we have the science for it now.
But that’s just the tip of the asteroid. Imagine dealing with space pirates. Outer space travelers with a skull and crossbones painted on the side of their star cruiser, with spacesuits designed to accommodate those with only one eye or a peg leg. But these sinful swashbucklers aren’t after your booty of gold, they are more likely to hijack your spacecraft or satellite. Think less “Arrrgh!” and more “corporate sabotage and geopolitical tensions” — which isn’t nearly as much fun to say, but probably more accurate. (I wonder what walking the plank in space would look like? “Watch that last step, it’s a doozy!”)
And as if the prospect of dealing with outlaws in orbit isn’t thrilling enough, we’ve got the nerdiest constables to ever don a badge gearing up for the challenge. The First Annual Space Piracy Conference is set to launch soon (get it? LAUNCH soon?), hosted by the Center for the Study of Space Crime, Policy, and Governance. Quite the mouthful. It’s like Comic-Con, but for space law enthusiasts and military strategists. Who comes up with these lame names, by the way? Center for the Study of Space Crime, Policy, and Governance? Have none of you watched even a single episode of Star Trek? How about “The Galactic Federation of Law?” See how that sounds better?
But here’s the real kicker: figuring out who gets to slap the cuffs on a rogue astronaut. Space lawyer Michelle Hanlon weighs in on the chaos — because, yeah, there are space attorneys now. You can’t escape lawyers even if you escape the Earth’s atmosphere. But how do you determine jurisdiction… in space? If your rocket is built by one country, launched by another country, and crewed by astronauts from a third country, which country sends out the space cop to weigh the gravity of your crime – despite there being no gravity? Thank the stars for the Outer Space Treaty, trying to keep space nations in check since 1967. The Outer Space Treaty? Still kind of a lame name, but better than Center for the Study of Space Crime, Policy, and Governance. (That just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?)
So, as we gear up for our colonization of the cosmos, keep your ray guns and light sabers at the ready, space cadets… we’re in for some stellar crime-solving adventures!
Source: https://the-line-up.com/murder-in-space
Video created by https://www.fiverr.com/vane875
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