FLORIDA MAN INJURED BY EXPLODING TOILET IN DUNKIN’ DONUTS
#MindOfMarlar is written by Darren Marlar, host of Weird Darkness
Just the headline of this story is enough to bring a smirk. Florida Man? Exploding Toilet? What more do you need for an entertaining story?
According to the Associated Press, Paul Kerouac is suing Dunkin’ Donuts for negligence because he is suffering “severe and long-term injuries” due to an exploding toilet at the franchise’s Winter Park, Florida location in 2022. Wait… how are we only hearing about this now, two years afterward? You’d think a story with the words “toilet explodes” and “Florida Man” in the headline would get instant treatment by late-night talkshow hosts and YouTube comedy channels. Aaaaanyway…
Kerouac is seeking over $100,000 in damages, alleging that the explosion in the men’s room not only caused him significant harm, but covered him in human feces, urine, and debris.
Now, you’d think this has to be a setup; that Mr. Kerouac had some disgusting and stupid plan to create this potential “Darwin Award” incident so he could then sue the franchise for a big wad of cash. Finding a hair in your bakery purchase wouldn’t be nearly enough for a big settlement, so he had to think bigger! That makes sense, doesn’t it? What other explanation is there? I mean, who gets injured by an exploding toilet unless it’s done by someone with left-over fireworks from Mardi Gras who has an IQ about equal to the number posted on a school zone speed limit sign? This guy obviously did this on purpose specifically for the potential payday… right? RIIIIIGHT…?
According to the legal filing, an employee of the store actually acknowledged being aware of a “recurring issue with the toilet, citing previous incidents.”
Seriously – the toilet has had “previous incidents”… of exploding?!?! I can understand methane buildup and a resulting run for the border followed by “ka-booms” at a certain Mexican fast-food franchise… but at a donut and coffee shop? What exactly are they putting in their donuts that not only would cause a toilet to explode – but to have a history of that toilet exploding on several occasions?!?! Are they replacing baking powder with gun powder? Does the sweetener in their coffees contain nitroglycerin? Unfortunately, the lawsuit does not delve into specific details about the explosion, so this is all left up to our imaginations. And as you can tell, I can imagine a lot.
After the incident, per the lawsuit filed in the state court in Orlando, Kerouac faced not only physical injuries but also required mental health care and counseling. Because of course he did… who wouldn’t? I doubt even professional sewer workers could have handled being explosively covered in urine and feces when all they went into Dunkin’ for was a cup of Joe and a bag of bear claws.
As of now, Dunkin’ Donuts’ headquarters in Canton, Massachusetts, has not provided an immediate response to an email seeking comment on the matter. Which is understandable – how do you possibly explain something like this to the public? There is no good way to say, “We’re really sorry our toilet exploded all over you… here’s a coupon for a free baker’s dozen.”
Dunkin’ may face significant consequences if found liable for the injuries sustained by Kerouac. I guess we’ll have to keep an eye out on future “Florida Man” news stories to see what happens. I’d also highly recommend using the bathroom at home before going on your morning donut and coffee run.
(Written by Darren Marlar)
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