#MindOfMarlar is written by Darren Marlar, host of Weird Darkness

“Ice cream? Is that what you’re saying? I can’t hear a darned thing you are uttering through that stupid helmet of yours…”

In space no one can hear you scream.

If the ’Alien’ xenomorph was to make it to our solar system, who would we send out to protect the planet? For a long while that would probably have been NASA. But now we have the Space Force for that kind of menial busywork, leaving NASA free to do much more important things than protecting our planet from acid-blooded extraterrestrials… like search for cryptozoological creatures instead!

The Loch Ness Monster Centre in Scotland is actually asking NASA to help them find Nessie – and they say they’re serious about the ask. Apparently, after 90 years of looking in those waters, Scotland has finally come to the conclusion that tourists’ eyewitness eyeballs probably aren’t the most reliable source of evidence. Aimee Todd, an employee at the Loch Ness Centre, said, “We’ve got this big lake and maybe a monster, so NASA, can you bring some of your cool space tools to help us look?”

“Let’s see… it’s seven divided by sushi, plus eighty-twelve bananas…”wow, this math stuff is hard.”

That is one heckuva big favor. Can you imagine? Forget your shaky cam footage and blurred videos you ignorant amateurs! NASA has the high tech SPACE tools, so they are the obvious choice to help search for something NOT IN SPACE! That is some American government spending we can all be proud of… for OUR country’s SPACE program to look for a creature that may not exist, UNDERWATER – in a country that’s NOT America. That’s some fiscal responsibility that only makes sense if you’re using that new math they are teaching our kids that includes those imaginary numbers like eleventeen, thirty-twelve, and possibly the color green. I don’t know – I haven’t been to school in a while, and I always stunk at math.

The Loch Ness Centre is hoping NASA has some special cameras or gadgets that can see under water really well. So they can, “Boldly go where no one has gone before… except for anybody over the past few decades who owns a Polaroid, a diving suit, and is obsessed with lake monsters!”

Sir Edward Mountain conducted the first large-scale search for Nessie back in 1934, and since then over 1,100 people have said they’ve seen something strange in the lake. And apparently not a single one of them knew how to properly operate a camera.

In 2023 the loch had a huge search for Nessie with people from all over the world, including America, Canada, and Japan. They supposedly heard some strange noises and saw some odd shapes in the water. Possibly monster hunters from America, Canada, and Japan screaming for help to be rescued from the water after falling out of their boats while trying to lean over the sides to get great Instagram selfies.

“When I capture that Nessie photo, I’m going to look sooo sexy!”

But if you can put your egotistical narcissism and duck lips away for a bit, they are looking for more volunteers to help watch the lake, hoping to spot any signs of the monster.

And they’re still waiting to hear if NASA will help out with their fancy equipment. I wouldn’t expect an answer too quickly though – you are dealing with NASA, after all. We were last on the moon in 1972 and didn’t get a return trip planned until just a few months ago. For faster results, maybe Scotland would be better off hiring a Hollywood director to fake the Loch Ness Monster search like Stanley Kubrick supposedly did with the moon landing.

“It’s completely unexplainable! There must be a paranormal cause for it!”

There are a lot of things we could use NASA’s help with though, before looking for a monster. How about we get NASA scientists to find out where all of our missing socks go in the laundry? In this economy, that’s a crisis. How about doing research to save marriages by settling the debate about whether toilet paper should roll over or under? Or how about a comprehensive NASA program proving to our elected leaders once and for all that Daylight Saving Time is stupid and should be done away with immediately? These are all more pressing issues – and much better use of our tax dollars – then looking for a creature we don’t even know exists.

Every episode ends the same way: with disappointment and unfilled promises.

Let’s leave the monster hunting to the experts… those guys with the cable TV and streaming shows that get paid the big bucks to go out and search for those cryptid creatures… and then end each and every one of their episodes with absolutely nothing to show for it. If those guys can’t find the monsters, nobody can.


Meanwhile, in an alternate dimension…

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