No One Should Steal A Horse, Of Course


#MindOfMarlar is written by Darren Marlar, host of Weird Darkness

Swing'em From A Tree the Judge said. Cowboys and Cattle Rustlers" Poster for Sale by 13thfloorcomic | RedbubbleIf American Western films and television are any indication of true history (and I’m sure they are – we all know The Lone Ranger and Maverick were real people), stealing a horse is not only frowned upon – it’s a hanging offense – sometimes without the burdensome nuisance of a judge and jury… or even a trial.  It all depends on who does the catching.

Fortunately, most of the world now believes that stealing a man’s pack horse is still a no-no, but it only deserves some time in the stock house.

A 19-year-old Polish man might be heading to the clink for anywhere from three months to up to five years because he not only stole a steed, he also tried to hide it in his tiny one-bedroom apartment on the third floor of a multi-family apartment building.  I’ve known of people to bring their motorcycles or scooters into their home so they wouldn’t be stolen from outside.  I used to do the same thing with my bike that I pedaled eight blocks to work every morning.  But I can’t imagine that being very convenient with a full-sized filly.

“Could you push the button for the third floor for me, please?”

I’ve seen more than one TV show and a few films where somebody rides a horse into or through a building, house, or apartment. Onscreen it’s funny. In real life – it’s still considered funny, I guess, because when this guy was trying to take the horse up the stairs, most everyone believed at first that it was a practical joke. Someone eventually realized, though, that we’re a bit too early for an April Fool’s Day joke, and called the po-pos about the pony, hoping to send someone to the pokey.

Don’t worry… there are blanks in the gun. Nothing bad happens here. Nothing to see. Move along.

Upon arriving, the cops found the horse and the young man who stole it… still in the stairwell. The man’s plan was to sneak it in and hide it in his apartment so nobody would ask about it.  Well, that plan failed. He obviously didn’t have any horse sense, because you can’t really sneak a horse into a building- no matter how many times you’ve seen Animal House. Not only had someone already seen him and called the cops on the crook, he had yet to even make it to his own door when the police arrived – still in the stairwell arguing with one of his neighbors. Way to keep things on the down-low there, Wilbur!

“I’m going to need extra blankets. By the way, is this a fold-out sleeper sofa?”

And what exactly was your plan if you did somehow sneak the mare into your apartment? Were you going to offer it the couch? How big of a water dish would you need for that thing – or were you just going to leave the toilet lid up? How were you going to hide the giant bale of hay being delivered to your doorstep every day of the week from Amazon? And had you even begun to think about the, uh, litter box situation? No amount of Fresh Step kitty litter is going to help you here, pal… can you imagine the size of those litter-clumps to scoop up?

“If the ceiling’s a rockin’, don’t come a knocking’…”

Then you’ve got the horse walking around making it sound to your downstairs neighbors that you have a family of nine living with you, and I’d love to hear the excuses you create when someone complains they hear loud neighing and whinnying from behind your door.  Blaming that on your god-like love-making prowess might work only once or twice.

Sadly, we’ll never find out the answers to those questions. Police returned the horse to the owner, who had already reported it missing, and now the horse thief could get up to five years in a government-issued residence even more tiny than the one he planned on forcing his stolen horse to live in. 

Do we let him off with a warning?  Neigh!


Visits: 28